Way Too Dinku. What You Never Got. (Archive)

To Dinku:
18th July '02
11:01 pm.
Hey. Expecting anything like it? Dunno. Cuz I've kinda forgotten how you used to feel. But I know one thing for sure. You know what this is about. If you don't, I guess you've probably lost yourself. Really lost it man. I've either been thinking about something for the past hour which is no big deal and got something relly fluffy up my head, or something really is wrong.. with you.
Fuck you man. I told you this before. You're not some girl that I keep thinking about you. I just called up twice in the past hour. For no explicable reason. Get it straight. It would be so much better if you blurt it out on my face. That you'd rather stay away. I mean.. if you really ever called me a friend. Or it would be nice of you to provide a reason for all this shit you're pulling. I've got enough things to fuck my mind already.
I was there when Rana asked you if anything was wrong. And you had this wicked, knowing grin on your face. Soup told me about it too. Lets be honest. We HAVE drifted. We hang out together most of the time. But how much have we really talked? Like.. Really talked? Know what I'm talking about? I could kill you right now.
But I guess I'm cribbing over something which doesn't even mean much to you anymore.
I had an hour long conversation with Rana about this whole thing. I was thinking of talking to you about it on you birthday.. or mine. Maybe Friendship Day. Haha. He suggested I shouldnt wait so long. Said I should talk to you about it tomorrow itself. (Today rather.) Cuz he's not liking it either. Not that I care if he likes it or not. Cuz this thing between you and me is far more important. But then I thought of something like this. It worked before. 6 yrs is a long time.
Listen. I dunno whether its bothering you or not. But its killing me. All upto you to set things straight. I don't expect an effort to set things straight. Just an explanation. No questions asked. I feel I atleast deserve this much out of whats left of our friendshipwreck.
I just hope it doesn't get your mind off of your studies. But its ok I guess. I guess things have reached a point where it wouldn't really bother you much.
I know you'll get there. Probably some other city though.
All the best.
ET.
11:39pm.
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Thats something I wrote in school. To Dinku. Not a girl. My best friend. On paper with a pen. Not an email. My second letter to him, the one he didn't get. It got torn to bits and thrown in the bin the next day cuz I got mad at his behavior. Things got better later and he never gave an explanation and I never asked for one. Its still not really clear to me, but I dont care. I'm glad it didn't happen when we were in college. It wouldn't have made much of a difference then. I'd have told him to shove it and get lost and to go fuck himself etc etc and never spoken to him again. But its cool now. We've known each other for quite a while. Come to think of it, we spoke to each other the first time in 6th class around his birthday, when he was knocked off as the class monitor and I was voted as the next. He came over to tell me that its better if you're a diplomatic class monitor. But anyways, thats 10 years and 2 months. And these are the kinda things that I'd like to remember. Not dumb firs-kiss/first-date anniversaries with dumb girlfriends.
I feel bad for people who've never had such close friends. They can never learn to trust others.
And I hardly ever pray for myself or my friends. But whenever I think about it, I hope that we all do well in life and die as golf buddies.