Clockwatching Wordplay. Please Don't Tell Her The Forecast.

August 6, 2005

" I set a record of sorts for myself today. Talking completely random. 3hrs straight in college, 2hrs with Sag and then an hr with Anne. Sag said I always make sense and then Anne said i've never been able to do tht. I donno if i did or not bcz I slept 2hrs lastnight...."

 I did. Talk a lot. I'm scared.  This is strange. Does having a viral cold 'n cough do it to you? I don't know what to think. If I talk about a serious topic and 4 ppl are ready to sit and listen to me and believe me, then it's wrong. Because when I talk, these ppl are trusting me, while the truth is that in all that talking I might be trying to figure myself out. My life. My feelings. My Beliefs. I am changing lives. Lol. I am changing too. I don't know. I don't know just how much of what I talk about makes sense to people and how much of it they consider it trash. Honestly, I don't know the difference myself right now. Have I started talking too much? If people sit and listen to me talk shit, is it because they relate to it an it makes sense to them or do they just find it too amusing? Or do they feel they're stuck? I hope nobody has the answers to these questions.. I hope I just get the answers myself.

I'd like to write down whatever I think when I'm reading sumthing. And then read all my thoughts sumtime later when I'm in a different frame of mind. Might help me understand why I am the way I am, if I am, the way I think I am. But I can't do it. Two reasons. One : It disturbs the flow of the book. Two : I am lazy. I'd also like to write here a lot more often than I do. But if I write here as often as I'd like to, then I'd soon have to look for sponsors cuz then I'd have to spend half of my life sitting an typing here. Also, if I do that, then I'd have no time to think at all. I don't want to let my life pass me by. I want to live it. I'm living it. Life is beautiful.

But I'm scared. I don't know if anyone can notice a pattern here. I can. And if everyone can, then I'm insane. If noone can, then its probably because I'm paranoid. I don't want to be either of them. Am I normal? Is it normal spending so much time thinking whether I'm normal or not? I guess not.