Everyone Believes.. That Noone Else Is Going Crazy.

September 21

Tonight, I can safely say tht I'll be ruining my exam in the morning, on purpose, without forcing myself to not blame others. And why does it happen? Cuz I'm going crazy. And its about a fuckin girl and I'm goin crazy cuz I don't know her. Wow. just now.. John Mayer : " What you gonna do about it? (3).  Give up. Give up.". Thanks for your advice you sonovabitch. I don't think I can sleep on this tonight.. And as funny and depressing an useless an helpless as it sounds..  I could very well be in love with another girl.. this 'another girl' that I dont know.. whose name she didn't mention and I wish I could meet her and talk to her and sit with her for hours smoking cigarettes and talk about the 20 years of her life that she's spent without my knowing anything about her, maybe hold her too.. and spend those late nights sneeking out and cold early misty mornings when I can see her and noone else can.. and feel possessive, something that I've never done. To call a person rightfully mine and only mine and nobody else's. And I'd be willing to know all the Eliots and Whitmans of the world to spend more than a few minutes with her, to tell her just as honestly and frankly that even though I don't know her, I know her enough to take a chance on. And for a while, let all the guards down and be myself and tell her all about the bloody shameless acts I've been a part of, and how tiring it is to smile at people when you don't want to, what its like to appreciate and hate and accept at the same time. Tell her that I cant wait to spend those late nights at cafe's, wont hesitate to learn to sing, and dont mind growing my nails. That I can wake up early in the morning, if only to see her face, but that she'd have to live with my love for sugar and meat.
I can't wait for the winters and the cold days.. Misty mornings really.. the coldness would be there simply to accentuate the effect.. and to keep me from going numb. Because I'll be waiting, praying and hoping that you come by. Cuz after all these years, it might just be a real step in another direction, and not just a desperate attempt to feel.
Confessin' here.
ET.